Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
