Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
