i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
