sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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