I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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