I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
