No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
