I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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