They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just want nice things and good sex
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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