I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
