How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
