Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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