My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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