I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
