I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
