i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
