I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
