and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
