Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
