Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
