She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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