my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
