I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
