: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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