My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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