You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
