Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Randomize
