i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
