Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just gift wrapped bread.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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