I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
