The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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