That's when you crack a 10am beer
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm at about main and main street
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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