No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
