I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Randomize
