Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
