I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm always down for nudity.
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