If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
