I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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