A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
