I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
