Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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