she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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