i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
