I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
