watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
