You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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