Define "chronic" masturbator.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
