Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
