my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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