she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
