Who did Billy Mays play for?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
