I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
smell my finger.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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